Month: April 2011

Fluid and burning oxygen. Fire to act in a system of open river. Movement within stillness. Acknowledging the pain in my muscles and the spacious open freedom in the cells. Like Gaia conscious of all her trillions of manifestations, I can send love and good intention to all of my cells – no micromanagement of what they do, but a genuine entreaty and call to harmony. And in the same way that I can wash my own body in intentional waves of love and acceptance, freeing up the cells to burn brighter or douse into rest, perhaps the earth’s flow of consciousness is bathing us in graceful goodness to allow for its better circulation of resources.

There is so much “becoming” energy in my life right now – the children growing weekly, the business changing, my body changing, the landscape melting… I can embrace all this flow without letting mind move ahead. Can let the mind focus on “is”, on now, even with this rush of activity that points to tomorrow and what might become. “Now” is happening all around me, and how luscious it is to be here.

Allowed myself to briefly want – really WANT – freedom from pain. Am so schooled to think pain is inevitable and that wanting freedom from it is somehow immature, misguided, even selfish. And yet I am able to hear that lesson – that pain is inevitable – with an awareness that freedom from pain and attachment is also possible at the same time. And can see how deeply bound to pain and struggle my personality still is… my body hunches protectively over this idea of giving up pain and sorrow, like a wolf snarling over sustenance in a cave – don’t take it away! it feeds me!! what would I eat in a world without struggle?

How terrifying would it be to dance in an open meadow without the stone walls of this cave?

And that is the lover’s call… the low teasing whistle, the entreaty to come play in the light. Step out of the cave, let the pain lie in darkness without gnawing at it, step into this bright world of warm contentment. Abundance without greed, power without domination, wisdom without intellectual assertions that are too brittle to change. Vulnerability without weakness, pleasure without gluttony, bravery without vengeance.

And the lover’s dance, the myriad steps and twirlings in a landscape of flowers, dotted with small caves. I hear the patter of footsteps running outside this one and may soon venture out my hand.

I realized that these “mountaintop experiences” are about briefly seeing a variety of other peaks… and noticing the broad and obstacle-filled and pastoral valleys. We descend and play in the fields and get lost in the fogs and ascend again, sometimes on the next mountaintop we expected and sometimes on a very different peak. Always the view is not anticipated, and always the valleys await, and more mountains.

Realized I have so many ideas and interests and desires – have been feeling the need to prioritize and get clarity – but an image of mosaic tiles around today. I can polish and place each tile with care and precision without concern for the pattern – recognizing that my life is a beautiful abstract. The “judging” or perception of it will happen at different angles and by different people through the creation of it – but I don’t need to act according to a grand design or even a simple, humble design. I simply notice the different colours in front of me on any given day and work them into this life creation process. I know that there are lovely bits and boring bits and saccharine parts but that all-in-all the mosaic is what it is, and the value comes in cherishing the process. The finished mosaic will crumble away like all the other bits of sand and glass and mortar around us.