responsibility

I have been wrestling with the demon of responsibility lately, learning to live in a new kind of trust that seems “irresponsible” but is really a radical act of accountability.. trusting that the survival needs will be met, that we can lose and gain and lose without living in fear.
After journalling one morning, I sat with Andrew on the couch in front of a fire and spoke lots about this sense that I was caught in a paradox between “responsible” and “irresponsible” – knowing I was stuck in it but not sure how to rise above the black and white opposites to see the zebra. Then while I was thinking out loud, I had an understanding that being in Now blows that paradox apart, makes it irrelevant. I have been trying to “forecast” into the future and connect to the past with this sense of responsibility or control. It is an illusion. I can only “be responsible” or alert in the now – the outcomes or results are not under my control, and no amount of “being responsible” will guarantee outcomes. Too much sense of responsibility will make me feel restricted, unspontaneous. So it is not about letting go of personal accountability, but it is about letting go of control, which is an illusion anyway.
I said it was like no longer trying to be a navigator on a ship but rather like being a log tossed on the ocean. Andrew rightly pointed out that it was more like being a log on the bottom of the ocean – the waves still toss around but there is stillness.