Found a connection today between guilt and longing, as if the voice of judgment was a weir or floodgate. I realized a tidal wave of longing underneath the sense of not doing enough. A healing wave, as if the guilt and judgment were washed aside – a broken gate left swinging – as the stronger flood of desire was freed. I long for many changes in my life and our world, and it is liberating to claim these longings without the constricting gatekeepers of judgment and resistance.
I long to be more healthy, energetic, strong and radiant. I long to eat healthy food, with ingredients I can take pleasure in rather than fear. I long to enhance my relationships, become more celebratory and engaged in my interactions with husband, sons, family and friends. I long for a community where fear is acknowledged and tamed in order to make room for justice and kindness. I long for more time and more personal commitment to my crafting of this life, more excellence or Quality in my experience of the moments through which I move. I long to live in full awareness of the passionate sadness and tranquil joy that traverses the web of embodied divinity we call life.
Eventually, I suppose, I may even move to a state of being where the longing is honoured without attachment, where there is no entanglement of craving and grasping in the rich experience of desire. But today there is an inexpressible surge of liberation in the transformation from guilt to longing. Instead of feeling badly about all the ways my longings are not met and my vision falls short of my experience, I can deeply immerse in this flood of conjoined despair and hope, this river of joy.